Enderts Beach and other Secluded Beaches

Why can't I be happy anymore?

I feel that I've lost faith in mankind. I'm at my favorite place in the world-the beach-and I can't even look at the ocean without crying. I'm on my honeymoon and it should be one of the happiest memiories in the making right now, but I can't stop thinking about that girl. That girl who is my husband's ex-girlfriend. That girl who he still admits to thinking about. That girl who he called and suddenly hung up on 5 days after our wedding just to hear her voice. That girl who seems to have my husband's mind in a chokehold. That girl who everyone admits was wrong for him. She won't leave my mind, and apparently, nor my husband's mind. Can you ever find true happiness with someone? I'm at such a low point where I'm doubting it more and more everyday. Isn't there always going to be 'someone else' or another prettier, smarter, better girl out there than me? He married ME, but still thinks of her, calls her, has dreams of HER. I know he has love for me, but when I doubt every move he makes, every call, text, e-mail, etc. I freak and I cry and I feel like I will never be what she was to him. I can't live my life always second guessing the actions of the one person who I should be trusting of the most. Theres always counseling, but will the thought of her ever leave my mind no matter what breakthroughs a counselor can make for the ongoing of our marriage? He has cheated before in our dating years, although not with 'her' but another past girl. The day I found this out I feel was the day that all hell broke loose, and all trust went out the window. We have talked and talked and talked and no matter what reassuring words he gives me, I feel like its not enough...I mean, it hasn't been enough up until this point for that pain he caused me...because it has yet to leave my head. Can I ever get over this and just unconditionally love the man that I'm married to? I love him, I do, but sometimes I feel that I deserve someone who doesn't make me question everything. I just want to be trusting and 'sure' of everything and not always speculating, and searching for bad news, because almost always, I find it. I just want to be happy with the person I'm with, but I'm not right now, and I'm doubting if I ever will be. I want this marriage to work, but if my feelings, dignity, trust, self-worth are at it's expense, then it just can't be. I have cryed everyday for the past few weeks, with the thought that 'I'm not good enough' because if I was, then I wouldn't be hurt, right? Am I good enough? I don't know if anything in my head makes sense anymore but I'm so unhappy that I can't enjoy this beautiful beach and weather that I'm looking at right now on my own honeymoon. I just want advice and some thought on this. I myself, upon looking at this page, wouldn't have read even half this far, but if you did, thank you. I like knowing that someone out there can read about how I'm feeling, because I'm at the point where I feel that no one else gets it.

Public Comments

1. It's not your fault your husband is lacking to make you happy. You need to have a good talk with him but don't continue to live like this.
2. He chose you ! He wants to be with you ! Tell him how you feel don't bottle up how you feel !
3. Well obviously you are going to stay with him right? umm that is a tough situation. But he has a past and some people are more sentimental about things. I would just respect the history and I wouldnt worry about the rest. Time will tell... Now get out there and enjoy your hunnymoon show him why he married you.. Make love to your hubby and just think positive. Fake it till you make it.....
4. Um, Y.A. is not the place to find happiness, but since you asked a question (sort of). I will give you the benefit of my thoughts. Why did you get married in the 1st place? How come you put ur faith in mankind? What did you expect seeing as a) you married someone who obviously loves someone else, and b) you put ur faith in mankind? No one who doesn't know God is truly happy, happiness is never found in anyone else but God. Don't believe me, try it for yourself. you know the gospel message right... go search out a person who can lead you in prayer, and lay hands on you, and intercede for you to recieve the presence of the Holy Spirit. Where do you live? find a church that is growing in numbers, and you'll find a person who knows God.
5. You said a lot in this post so I will try to address your main concern. If I am to understand correctly, you are worried that because of past incidents of your new husbands cheating you fear that you are not good enough for him. Also, you are scared that you may never get over it, and that he will never get over "her". I am wondering why you got married to begin with. As a person who has been the one cheated on, I can tell you that this feeling of betrayal lingers on for years. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are very likely to feel the way you feel now for a long, long time. You may never get over it. Living day after day with a deep seated resentment for your spouse is a living hell. You may not want to hear this but you really might want to consider getting a divorce. If not, Good luck dealing with the pain you feel every time you look at your spouse. I am sorry again for your situation. In the meantime, try to enjoy the beach and wait until you get back to your real life at home before making such a major decision. Best wishes.
6. Since you have already went thru with the marriage you owe it to yourself and him as well to give it a go. Have faith it will work out, force yourself to see the happiness in your life. It will fail otherwise, because he will respond to your lack of trust in him otherwise. He will think well she doesn't trust me so why will I even try to make it work. You will drive him away for sure.