Enderts Beach and other Secluded Beaches

Is this a better start to my story?

It's something i just decided to write on a whim. Just for fun i have no plans on publishing it or anything like that. Please feel free to criticize and give comments. Thanks! I brushed a lock of wavy deep auburn hair out of my eyes and looked at my new school. It was big, full of students, covered in ivy and oh yeah scary! After losing my mother and older brother in a drunk driving accident, my father and I moved to the town where his work was based, little ole Crescent City, CA. Just twenty miles south of Oregon it wasn’t hot year round like down in L.A. maybe a bit more cloudy and ever changing weather. My father, John Connors, was heartbroken after the accident and spent the better half of his vacation days laying in bed with the curtains closed. I would come home from school hoping to find him better but he was always the same, curled in his sheets eyes squeezed shut trying to block out reality. Being the only one left behind and still sane, I spent that time packing up all of my brothers things, a task which usually left me in tears but I continued. My brother James was my older twin by like four minutes, he was gone too. We were best friends, always did stuff together, had the same friends, and he always stood up for me, now I would have to do that. My mother loved names that started with the same letters that’s why she named us Jayden and James well actually by age it would be James and Jayden. Anyways, I’ve gone a bit off the subject of moving to Crescent City and my new school. So after much scrambling to pack everything, find a house, transfer papers and time to get familiar with the town I was sent off to school at old Del Norte High school. Home of the warriors, it had me wishing I was as brave; being the new kid wasn't easy. I clutched the straps of my backpack and began walking down the long locker lined walls of the High school. Class hadn't started yet so lots of the kids were outside; I could feel hot stares burning into the back of my head as I stumbled down the unfamiliar halls. As I passed I could hear faint whispers, of “Who is she?” “Do you know her?” “She’s kind of cute!” which made me feel even more awkward then I was, finally I reached the office, where I entered. “Hi, I’m Jayden Connors, I faxed my papers just the other day,” I announced approaching the desk. The woman behind the desk was a friendly larger woman with a fancy up do and a pretty modern fashion style. “oh hi sweetie! Call me Mrs. Johns I have your papers right here, along with your schedule. Your first period class is just down this hall,” she remarked pointing down the phosphorescently lit hallway. I thanked her promptly and headed for my first class, Home Ec. As I was heading to my classroom myself and one other kid were rammed into the lockers by some passing guy.... I would vote on answers but i'm not allowed since i'm only level one. Sorry!!! :(

Public Comments

1. Very much improved, I see you took some of my ideas teehehehe :) Either way this writing structure is very well improved and quite good hun :) if it isnt to much of a bother on your last post if u thought it was good ( I guess u did u used atleast some of it ) can u vote me as a good answer? I need the points desperately xD
2. It seems to me that the past of the story teller is somehow separated from the present- it comes to me as if two different persons are relating, because the humor in both times is different. On the other hand it is very realistic. There are many scenes that looks like periods of my life in which I have lived through. There is something very simple and powerful in the way of narration. It also created curiosity in me about what will happen next. Showing it to a publisher is not a bad idea.
3. HI, your story is good, this is the way I would write some of it, just an example. "maybe a bit more cloudy and ever changing weather." - A bit more cloudy and the weather unpredictable. " I spent that time packing up all of my brothers things" - I spent that time packing up all of my brothers belongings, a task which usually caused the tears that I kept shut away to flow, but I continued. "My brother James was my older twin by like four minutes, he was gone too. We were best friends, always did stuff together, had the same friends, and he always stood up for me, now I would have to do that." - James, was my older twin but only by four minutes. We were best friends, never apart, he always stood up for me, but now I was on my own. I had no one else but me. "oh hi sweetie! Call me Mrs. Johns I have your papers right here, along with your schedule. Your first period class is just down this hall,” she remarked pointing down the phosphorescently lit hallway. I thanked her promptly and headed for my first class, Home Ec. As I was heading to my classroom myself and one other kid were rammed into the lockers by some passing guy...." - "Oh, hi sweetie. Call me Mrs. Johns," She said. "I have your papers right here, along with your schedule. Your first period is just down the hall." "Thank you," I replied, and made my way out towards my first class, which accourding to my schedule was home ec. I felt a thud against my back and when I looked round I realized that I had been pushed against the lockers. The culprait was already running down the hall and turning the corner, I could only make out it was a boy. Hope I helped good luck and good story