Enderts Beach and other Secluded Beaches

Does this sound like a good start to my newest story?

This is something i started on a whim so please criticize and tell me what you think. I brushed a lock of wavy deep auburn hair out of my bright celery green eyes and looked at my new school. It was big, full of students, covered in ivy and oh yeah scary! After losing my mother and older brother in a drunk driving accident, my father and I moved to the town where his work was based, little ole Crescent City, CA. Just twenty miles south of Oregon it Was’t hot year round like down in L.A. maybe a bit more cloudy and ever changing weather. My father, John Connors, was heartbroken after the accident and spent the better half of his vacation days laying in bed with the curtains closed. Being the only one left behind and still sane, I spent that time packing up all of my brothers things, a task which usually left me in tears but I continued. My brother James was my older twin by like four minutes. We were best friends, always did stuff together, had the same friends, and he always stood up for me, now I would have to do that. My mother loved names that started with the same letters that’s why she named us Jayden and James well actually by age it would be James and Jayden. Anyways, I’ve gone a bit off the subject of moving to Crescent City and my new school. So after much scrambling to pack everything, find a house, transfer papers and time to get familiar with the town I was sent off to school at old Del Norte High school, home of the Warriors. Everyone was staring at me as I walked into the school looking for the office to pick up my schedule. Some were curious stares, others were threatening stares from other girls and a few were “checking out” stares. She goes on to try and befriend the school bully and yadda yadda yadda, eventually it turns into a hopeless love story. i just wanted to know what people thought of the start, if it grabbed anyone's attention.

Public Comments

1. The girl sounds like a snob. The writing isn't that great and it sounds incredibly boring. Hope I helped. <3
2. comment... don't let the character praise herself. i mean, if you narrate things don't use things like deep auburn wavy and bright celery green eyes in the same sentence... think, does anyone describe themselves that way? and try not to reveal too much about what happened yet. don't say that her dad is locked up like that... try saying.. i got home that afternoon after a long school day expecting a nice warm welcome from my dad. who am i kidding? i found him in his room again, in the dark, with the curtains closed and no amount of sunshine could possibly penetrate that formidable wall of fabric. i sighed and shut the door closed. i shouldn't have gone looking for him only to get bummed out with seeing hi like that. i guess i should get used to it ever since my mom died... etc. and try giving james a part in it. don't just tell people about him in the beginning. introduce hi when he has something to say or when you see him etc. because if you introduce him, people will look for his character
3. I brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes, it always did that and I found it quite annoying. I quite liked my eyes and hiding them behind wavy deep auburn hair wasnt my first plan. I had my mother's eyes, one of my everlasting reminders of her. I lost her, and my oldest brother in a drunk driving accident last year – it was tough to handle, He moved us away from are old town, house, friends, anywhere that had memories of them, I guess it was hard on him too. Dad got a job in Crescent City, California. It was nice, a small town, not far away from the Oregon state line – and it was fairly hot, even in the winter. At first I wasn't sure if id like to move, its kind of a scary thing really starting new, after loosing everything, and then having to loose your friends too – But I got my brother, he's always had my back. My brother, James who may I add is only three minutes older then me – a fact he rubs in my face daily, is probably my best friend too. From the very beginning we was inseparable, we had the same favorite cartoons as kids, same music taste, same group of friends, everything. I knew I could always count on him... But I was still scared to death when I walked into the doors of Del Norte High school. Home of the warriors, it had me wishing I was as brave, being the new kid wasn't easy. I clutched the straps of my backpack and began walking down the long locker lined walls of the High school. Class hadn't started yet so lots of the kids were outside, I could feel hot stares burning into the back of my head as I stumbled down the unfamiliar halls. As I passed I could hear faint whispers, of “Who is she?” “Do you know her?” “Shes kinda cute!” which made me feel even more awkward then I was, Finally I reached the office, I entered - Your writing is good i'm not sure if your very young or just learning to form a story, but either way its a nice attempt. I would work a bit on your wording and sentencing, also dont give everything away on the first line, leave a persons imagination for awhile before you give every detail. =)