Enderts Beach and other Secluded Beaches

How is my story so far?

Chapter 1 Rose The sun finally set and now the blackness started to slowly seep in like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey. I walked across the vast green field, the razor sharp grass itching my legs. I stared at the nothingness all around me; it was perfect not ruined by man, just the glorious nature. I like it here, I used to come here every year with my beloved husband the first place we met love at first sight he said. Many months would pass and I would still be mourning other my dead husband all I would do would stay at home locked in my room crying hysterically feeling sorry for myself but he wouldn’t want that for me he’d want me to be happy besides I have to keep strong for me and our baby. I stared at the stars in the sky they looked like thousands of diamonds that have been crammed in a cluster. I feel safe here, I like the way the trees surround the desolate area, as if they where protecting it from the safety of being ruined. I smiled, it was beautiful this place, it’s a place where I can be alone in peace and think without any disturbances. I like being alone, I’m used to it now. When my beloved husband sadly passed away I never found anyone that I would love as much has I loved him. When my husband died I just gave up and trapped myself in my own little world, where I can imagine myself walking hand in hand along a sun lit beach and staring passionately in his eyes. My own little world is my thoughts, it’s where my secrets and my precious memories are locked up away from any one else. Moments passed as I stood in the middle of the grassy land, the wind blowing in my face. I patted my stomach, and looked at the beautiful bump that grew there; he would have been a brilliant dad I thought to myself. Soon my eyes had to adjust to the darkness that now completely covered the land. It looked very different almost spooky at dusk; in the pitch black you could just see the outlines of the trees that enclosed this lonely place. I gazed up at the sparkling stars they now looked like dozens of eyes glaring at me watching my every move. The trees also looked eerie, they where crooked and bewitched and bereaved. Sometimes I would here a snap of a twig or the rustle of the branches and jump with fright. Sometimes I could swear I saw something lurking in the depths of the trees, or maybe it was just my eyes tricking me into thinking that. In the gloomy night you could hear everything. The only light was from the shining full moon that floated way above me. I looked up at the midnight sky and closed my eyes. “Please god let me know that my life isn’t going to be filled with emptiness anymore, please give me some sort of miracle” I whispered. That’s when I heard the most bloodcurdling, spine-chilling noise in my whole life. It was a noise so hard to describe, it was un-natural and deafening. It was noise that shouldn’t even exist. It was a noise from some sort of animal, or from a wolf? Then I heard it again this time it was closer, and ten times more deafening than before. I could hear it more clearly, it was too loud to be a wolf, and wolves didn’t even Exist in this country. So what was it? Suddenly I heard another sound, not the same as before but a high pitched scream coming from the other side of the trees. In want moment when the phone I stood still, terrified. What was I meant to do? I thought of the situation, slowly and carefully weighing up all the things I could do. My left part of my brain, the more cowardly side told me to run away as fast as my legs could carry me until I reached the safety of the village. But my right side of my brain, the more adventurous side told me to find out what the new sound was. Without warning my legs started to carry me towards the eerie trees. I scrambled across stones and fallen trees, tripping over here and there, my eyes searching for anything dangerous mainly the thing that made that horrible noise. I reached the edge of the gathering of trees and could see another large green field smaller than the other one but still the same desolate and un-ruined. I stood as close as I could to the trees making sure that nothing could creep up on me and surprise me. I stared at the misty land, my eyes looking for anything out of place or unordinary. It all happened so fast, I didn’t know what happened until it hit me. I saw black shadows in the middle of the field; I heard lots of screaming coming from the shadows. There were 2 people a man and a woman, the woman lay on the long grass screaming and dying blood trickling out of her body and claw marks all other, it was a terrifying sight, the man beside her was crying he also had been clawed by the unknown creature. I stood still in the middle of the meadow, trying to take in the situation. The man looked up with pleading eyes and said his last words “help us” and then the creature tore him to shreds, the creature came without warning it was quick and it was right there Please go easy on me its the first propper story i have wrote and i am only 14 yahoo rubbed half of the story up off do thats why its a bit dodgy at the end

Public Comments

1. Lots of suspense. just a tip, the left side of your brain is creative so that would be adventurous. The right side is more logical and would think of solutions to how to get out of the situation. otherwise, pretty mooi! (that's nice in afrikaans) Can you add me? I wanna get updates cuz i really wanna find out what happens next.
2. Wow. These metaphors are both cheesy and extremely hyperbolic: "blackness started to slowly seep in like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey. I walked across the vast green field, the razor sharp grass itching my legs." Razor blades? Really? What's with this part? It's like it's in conditional present tense, even though it seems like it should be past tense: "Many months *would pass and I *would still be mourning other my dead husband all I *would do would stay at home locked in my room crying" Here you shift from present to past tense in one sentence: "When my husband died I just *gave up and trapped myself in my own little world, where I *can imagine myself " "I feel safe here, I like the way the trees surround the desolate area, as if they where protecting it from the safety of being ruined. I smiled, it was beautiful this place" So it's a beautiful place that's desolate? Desolate describes something more like a barren, unpopulated, depressing area that has been ravaged by war or nature. Is this character happily parousing a battle field? And she is protected from the safety of being ruined? It's safe to be ruined? What? This needs some punctuation "Many months would pass and I would still be mourning other my dead husband all I would do would stay at home locked in my room crying hysterically feeling sorry for myself but he wouldn’t want that for me he’d want me to be happy besides I have to keep strong for me and our baby" It's probably supposed to be like 3 sentences rather than 1. "The trees also looked eerie, they where crooked and bewitched and bereaved" Bereaved: a person who has suffered the death of someone they loved. Oh I get it; all this time I was thinking that the narrator's husband died. Now I see that it was in fact the trees that lost their husband(s). "My left part of my brain, the more cowardly side told me to run away as fast as my legs could carry me until I reached the safety of the village. But my right side of my brain, the more adventurous side told me to find out what the new sound was." I don't even know what to say. Alright that's enough
3. I would definitely agree with Yoli ;D
4. Really good. I liked it a lot, but ease up a bit on the metaphors. But other than that, I would definately read that book! Good luck! :)
5. It's good, but What I would advise is that you don't post your story here. You should join writing groups where you'll get critique. Its to prevent others from using your ideas.
6. My suggestion, write it, finish it, then put it away for a year and then re-read it to see if it still grabs you and if it still flows.